News Peed

Statewide Rainfall Helps Refill Drained Swamp

WASHINGTON, DC – Donald Trump will have his hands full over the next few days after state-wide rains caused a devastating refilling of the political swamp.

The combination of heavy rain and large number of political commentators has proven to be particularly destructive. Overflowing sewers caused rivers of bullshit to flow into the streets, and uncontrolled storm water swept away all traces of hope and rationality within the nation’s capitol.

Flash flooding caused the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool to overflow with religious zealots, long distance truck drivers, and angry grandpas. Moderate conservatives and resigned liberals were forced to wade through the thick sludge to higher ground where American University students passed out bottled water and pamphlets on safe spaces.

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1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is now under almost three feet of water. Spectators spotted alligator-like creatures swimming around the South Lawn helipad, and swarms of blood-thirsty insects were found buzzing around President Trump and his security team. A scaly beast resembling Jerry Falwell Jr. was observed chowing down on small birds and camera equipment, sending both liberals and scientifically inclined alike fleeing to the hills.

The Peedmont was able to track down Kellyanne Conway, Counselor to the President, for comment on the historic flooding.

“We goin’ rassle dem gators. I look into dey eyes and I see dat they ain’t up to no good. I tell you, I goin’ take my shotgun, Betsy, down to de bayou and I goin’ shoot em!”

There has been no word from Trump on how he intends to handle the massive, dank swamp that has swallowed the majority of Washington DC. FEMA has begun to mobilize in Maryland and Northern Virginia in anticipation of a rush of displaced Americans seeking dryer land.

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