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Robert E. Lee Tentacle Erotica Leaves Both Sides Confused, Aroused

RICHMOND, Va. — A new mural from an anonymous artist has sparked an uproar across Richmond’s political and social spectrums due to its bizarre and sexual depiction of one of the South’s most controversial historical figures.

At the corner of North Boulevard and Broad, a painting of Robert E. Lee engaged in tentacle erotica was plastered across the Broad Street-facing side of Circle K. The artwork triggered widespread anger and confusion, fueling a debate over political correctness. Conservatives claim that the artwork is disrespectful to the southern icon, while liberals are enraged that Lee is being associated with sexual freedom. The city has received a flood of complaints from residents who feel uneasy — and disconcertingly aroused — by the image of Robert E. Lee orally copulating with an engorged purple octopus tentacle.

In a rare display of unity, representatives from more than a dozen right- and left-leaning activist groups, lobbying organizations, and historical societies met at the site of the mural yesterday morning to protest.

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During the rally Jeff Whitmore, a spokesman from the Sons of Confederate Veterans, shuffled awkwardly to the podium, hunched over in an unsuccessful attempt to hide his obviously tented chinos.

“Robert E. Lee was a war hero and deserves this city’s respect,” Whitmore forced out. “To depict Lee in such a deviant and unnatural way is nothing short of shameful. Also, the mural makes my nipples tingle.”

Elizabeth Lowenstein, a local gay rights and sexuality activist, was next to speak out against the painting.

“We have worked tirelessly to advance the sexual rights movement in an America that is becoming increasingly divided over individual freedoms. To associate sexual liberation with a man so bigoted and divisive as Robert E. Lee simply will not be tolerated,” Lowenstein proclaimed while indiscreetly grinding against the podium.

Both Whitmore and Lowenstein were later booked into the Richmond City Jail, not for protesting, but for indecent exposure. Whitmore was found crouched down behind the neighboring Hofheimer Building dumpsters, wearing nothing but a Confederate infantry hat while eating eel nigiri off Lowenstein’s naked body, who appeared to be wearing lobster claw oven mitts and talking dirty in a deep southern drawl.

A Peedmont reporter was able to ask Whitmore a single question before he was loaded into a police cruiser: “Will the South indeed rise again?”

“You bet it did,” Whitmore replied.

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