JACKSON WARD — In a stunning turn of events that halted a police investigation of less than 24 hours, a complete set of stolen bike-share bicycles were returned to their Jackson Ward rack yesterday evening.
The set of eight bikes were stolen from the bike-share rack a mere 22½ hours earlier, late the previous night. According to local authorities, the thief absconded with the bikes only to realize they had little to no resale value.
Early this morning Officer Susan Wilkins told reporters, “We know of several currently-active thieves in the greater city area who steal bikes and sell them for parts or scrap. It is our suspicion at this time that the thief was unaware that the bizarre and ungainly nature of these bikes make them utterly undesirable on the resale market and most likely did not understand the concept of bike sharing.”
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It was reported that the suspected thief encountered a security guard while in possession of one of the stolen bike-share bikes and began yelling, “I was just borrowing it, man! I was just borrowing it!” The security guard responded by saying, “Good for you, kid” before continuing his rounds.
In a survey of local bike shops, several claimed they had been contacted throughout the day by an individual interested in selling what he described over the phone as “a few practically-new but totally weird bikes.” Local store owner Jason Green shared that he was aware of the bike theft when the call came into his store. “I already knew these bikes were on the market and were hot, but even if they weren’t I wouldn’t touch those near-future “Tron”-wannabe freak jobs with a ten foot bike pump.”
When asked if they intended to pursue the suspect despite the return of the stolen goods, the police issued the following statement: “Meh?”