HEAVEN — As his majestic voice beckoned throughout the clouds above, God announced yesterday that he has decided to postpone his forthcoming apocalypse until further notice after taking a hike through the autumn-colored wilderness of Shenandoah National Park.
Reporters gathered at the Pearly Gates to hear The All Knowing & All Powerful Creator speak of his recent experience on the Dark Hollow Falls Trail and the Stony Man Trail while being surrounded by autumn nature. The experience, which he described as “euphoric” and “completely breathtaking,” has convinced him to delay The Rapture to another time.
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“The scenery here this time of year is just unbelievable,” the Almighty casually noted. “I wasn’t sure how the Blue Ridge landscapes would turn out when I created this whole thing, but I really underestimated it, that’s for sure.” He proceeded to give himself a pat on the back that shook the pillars and was heard throughout the kingdom of Heaven.
The Divine Being continued, “Between the political situation plaguing America and Tom Petty’s passing, I thought to myself ‘you know, maybe it’s time to go ahead and call it a wrap.’ However, witnessing such astounding nature has given me second thoughts on bringing about Judgment Day. Maybe the world isn’t ready for the end times just yet.”
His announcement was met with an uproar of cheers and applauds that resonated throughout the crowd below. Many broke into a buoyant chorus of the popular hymn “We Are The Champions” that continued well after the conference ended.
While the Father himself did not make any mention of when he had rescheduled Armageddon, an angel did note that He was frustrated at the difficulty of making reservations at Big Meadows and Skyland for next year, as “all of the good rooms are booked already.”