News Peed

Ancient Cave Paintings Reveal Unheard of Redskins Winning Season

LURAY, Va. — A new discovery rocked historical circles in Virginia when a heretofore unknown chamber in Luray Caverns was revealed to contain ancient cave paintings depicting a winning Washington Redskins season.

Dr. Artemis Dunlop, a geology professor from James Madison University, came upon the chamber while on a survey of the caverns’ most recessed areas, during which he spotted an unmapped opening.

“I resolved to explore the chamber myself,” he explained during a press conference. “Once inside, I was shocked to discover a mural crafted by ancient Virginians using clay and soot depicting a triumphant team of Washington Redskins.”

The mural, made up of several smaller paintings, depicted Redskins players in action, including former quarterback Sonny Jurgensen, who is shown throwing a football over Dallas Cowboys’ helmets. In another, legendary quarterback Joe Theismann and his offensive line are accompanied by a makeshift scoreboard that read Washington 82, Philly -4.

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“There was also a section featuring an oversized Monte Coleman blitzing into a group of smaller Falcon running backs, earning a safety,” Jurgensen revealed. “There was an ambulance next to the end zone, too.”

One of the most stunning paintings portrayed legendary Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman throwing an interception to cornerback Champ Bailey. “The amount of detail put into Aikman’s disappointed face, complete with tears, was truly remarkable,” Jurgensen commented.

Upon close examination, researchers have come to the conclusion that this was not a mural depicting actual events, but instead the artist’s or artists’ fantasy of what could have been if all of these athletes played at the same time. They are still, however, baffled and unable to provide any explanation as to how these ancient people could have known who the Redskins’ powerhouse players would be.

When reached for comment, team owner Dan Snyder tried to downplay the discovery stating, “We’ve always maintained that the Skins are a storied and celebrated franchise that was once a true football powerhouse and we will continue to march that statement out every time our team’s viability is called into question.”

From a historical perspective, the find is significant as it is one of only a few intact pieces of early Virginian art. However, Cynthia Matlock, an American history professor at University of Maryland, admitted she was disappointed after realizing that the events depicted were fictional.

“While the findings are absolutely fascinating, they tragically refer to a fantasy season void of injury, an uncoordinated offensive line, or Jay Gruden’s team direction.”

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