James River Calls in Sick to Work, Actually Heading to the River

RICHMOND, Va. — After decades of faithful service, Richmond’s own James River recently departed from his stellar attendance record and took the day off today. Though he informed his superiors that he was too sick to work, the truth was that he made plans to go to the river.

“I wanted to see what all the fuss was about,” said James River, who prefers being called “Big Jimmy.” “People have been coming to me for years, hanging out, taking a swim. I thought I’d take the day off, head over to the Chickahominy River, and give it a whirl.”

Despite showing up to work every single day for as far back as he can remember, the decision to enjoy a day off was not taken lightly. “I kind of feel bad for the kids,” said Big Jimmy. “They come to me for a good time and count on me to provide them with quality entertainment. But I can only do so much. I’m only one river.”

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Though others feel that his day off could be spent more wisely, James River believes that his options are somewhat limited.

“I’m the James River for crying out loud,” said Big Jimmy. “Do you think I could just go walk around Short Pump and no one notice? I don’t exactly blend in. So I’m going to do what anyone else would do. I’ll go to the river, find a nice, secluded spot, and I’ll chill.”

Leonard Mathis of the Greater Richmond Department of Parks and Recreation agreed with the James River’s need for recuperation.

“Look, I get it,” said Mathis. “Big Jimmy is in constant contact with people from all walks of life. At some point, that kind of exposure is going to catch up with you. I’m just surprised he hung in there for this long. Give him a day to rest and relax, and he’ll be back better than ever.”