NEW KENT, Va. — A study published by the Virginia State Public Research Project has found that almost nothing “new” has occurred in New Kent County for over four years. Measuring everything from population levels and utility consumption to local news reports and area sales figures, the study concluded that New Kent has been pretty well set in its routines for some time.
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“Yeah, come to think of it, ain’t been much doing for awhile,” New Kent resident Frank Silo said, reminiscing on the way things haven’t changed. “Time was you’d see some new neighbors or someone would stand up a new business but, damn, yeah, come to think of it, been pretty same ol’ same ol’ out here.”
The mayor’s office was nonplussed by the study’s findings and indicated that this was a sign of strength and stability within the community. According to Sheriff Thomas Bordean, “These are steady, stand-up people leading steady lives. Not like those thrill-seeking wackos over in the old original Kent in England, with the Brexit and whatnot.”
The study did attempt to forecast the next major shakeup coming to New Kent but concluded that the only thing on the horizon was the possibility of a new Wawa gas station.
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