Charlottesville Launches Crunch Accelerator Program for Budding Hippie Parents

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — In an effort to enable social enterprises and invest in emerging economic trends, the city of Charlottesville has announced an accelerator program for aspiring hippie parents. The innovative program will connect fledgling hippie couples with investors and professional mentors to assist them in achieving their dreams of becoming insufferable, overbearing new-agers who raise maladjusted, coddled children.

RELATED (article continued below):

• New Study Finds Charlottesville Drivers Need To Hurry The Fuck Up
• Local Winery to Offer Fall Douchebag Tasting
• Tourist In Shenandoah Determined To Feed Wildlife, Despite All Of The Signs

“Our consultants found unprecedented growth in the hippie parent demographic and told us we would be remiss, foolish even, if we didn’t ride the wave of patchouli-smelling Phish fans and their alternative parenting practices,” Mayor Michael Signer explained.

Developed specifically for the Charlottesville hippie community, the program’s core philosophy is centered around rearing children in a positive, feedback-driven environment that rejects the vestiges of western colonial culture and patriarchal leanings.

The accelerator will also host workshops to educate participants about industry best practices for natural home births, cloth diaper making, chakras, and the encouragement of casual nudity. There is already a wait list for a two week workshop for aspiring hippie dads called “Finding Your Inner Goddess: the Yonic Connection.”

Though the methods that guide hippie parenting are well fleshed out, it is unclear to many Charlottesville residents how the accelerator program will benefit the local community.

Like what you see? We know you do. Check out our online store.