FREDERICKSBURG, Va. — It was a mixture of delight, chaos, and sodium at the Johnson dinner table this Christmas as, according to reports, everybody in the family brought a dish featuring traditional Virginia Smithfield ham to the family potluck.
“We brought over some ham biscuits thinking ‘hey, who doesn’t love those?’” remarked Andy Johnson. “Little did we know that pretty much everyone else had the same idea. I guess these can be side dishes now, or something.”
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Another guest, Patricia Johnson, stated that she and her husband Jeff made a delicious honey-glazed ham with pineapple, but she was immediately eclipsed by her sister, Chelsea, who showed up to the party with the exact same dish.
“Whatever,” Chelsea said. “She’s been stealing my ideas since we were kids. Go figure.”
Sharon Johnson, the organizer of the annual potluck, stated that it wasn’t her intention for the dinner to be filled with nothing but various pork dishes and expressed displeasure at some of the family members’ offerings. “Uncle Lester showed up with an entire fucking ham. Literally just a giant slab of salted ham, still in its packaging. Nothing else.”
These sentiments were echoed by 62-year-old Joey Terry, who also expressed health concerns over the cuisine. “I’ve got a heart condition and can’t have too much salt. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Just eat the Kroger pumpkin pie that I left at home?”
The seemingly limited food choice caused tension among family members, but were ultimately subdued by grandmother Anne Johnson, who expressed gratitude for the offerings. “Oh isn’t this just so nice? All of us gathered around with delicious foods? Those little biscuits Andy made are just so delightful. This really is the most wonderful time of the year.”
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