GLEN ALLEN, Va. — Glen Allen resident Terry Adams found himself in an uncomfortable situation when it became clear that his understanding of the Russian probe into the Trump administration was incorrect, in that Trump was not being physically probed by Russians.
The Adams family had met at Terry Adams’s Glen Allen home for their Christmas dinner. Ignoring the unspoken rule against discussing politics at family functions, one uncle ventured so far as to bring up the Russian probe. Adams then interjected, “It really is shocking that we have such a sexually deviant administration. I mean, I believe that consenting adults should be able to practice their sexual preferences in private, but to flaunt it on the international political stage? Crazy.”
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After he was informed that Trump was not actually going colon spelunking with the Kremlin, Adams spent the remainder of Christmas dinner avoiding awkward eye contact with stunned and blushing family members.
“I’m really embarrassed. This whole time I thought ole’ Vlad was getting his pickle tickled by Michael Flynn.”
It turns out that Adams’s only source of world news consists of articles posted to Facebook, which he refuses to actually read, instead making deductions based exclusively on the headlines. So sure was he that Jared Kushner was having his fudge machine finger-blasted by Russian operatives, Adams had even taken a trip to local sex shop Taboo to gain a better understanding of recent world events.
“I don’t know how I’m going to redeem myself,” Adams remarked. “Maybe I’ll bring up the North Korean disarmament on New Year’s. It really is horrific that our North Korean brothers are being subjected to systematic mass amputations.”
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