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Op-ed: Havoc Doesn’t Live Here, but He Crashes on the Couch Pretty Often

RICHMOND, Va. — I know Havoc. I mean, I guess I know him as well as anyone can really know him. He’s elusive and cagey with the details of his life.

I met him eight beers and two Jager shots deep at Delta Chi’s “young tarts and old farts” blowout. Peering through the monocle of my Monopoly Man costume, I saw Havoc across the room dressed exactly the same as me. I knew this was some kismet shit and we started chatting. He claimed to be a VCU student. We are both engineering majors, but I’ve never seen him in class.

He and I became instant bros. The dude could rage like no one I’ve ever seen. We hung out with him and my girlfriend until like 4 a.m. and then stumbled back to my place. I let him crash on the couch.

That was in September.

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Since that time, Havoc started randomly showing up late at night looking to party and then a place to pass out. He usually smokes us out, so I don’t mind obliging him our couch. My roommate always forgets to lock the door and it got to the point that Havoc just started letting himself in.

Havoc was always gone by sunrise. The ghost of his presence left in the form of empty PBR cans and Chanellos boxes. Sometimes I would find his empty condom wrappers and an assortment of vaping stuff on the coffee table. Pretty gross. But I decided to just roll with it.

At first he would just show up on weekends, but then it started happening on Thursdays … then on Tuesdays. I nearly failed my fluid mechanics exam because he kept me up one night.

Honestly, Havoc was cool at first. But I’ve realized that he’s kind of a scumbag. He claims to have a side piece named Charlene who’s 43, though I’ve never seen him with her or anyone else. Come to think of it, I don’t think I have ever seen him in daylight.

I’ve tried to keep my distance from him. My roommate and I started locking the door. He broke a window just so he could pass out on the couch. The last time, he left a path of destruction in his wake. My roommate and I had to get a new couch because Havoc pissed all over our old one. I’m also fairly certain he stole some of my clothes, but I can’t prove it. And my roommate is completely convinced he killed our cat.

Havoc has more or less ruined my life.

He shows up so frequently looking to party that I can’t get any sleep. My grades have started to slip and I’m in danger of losing my scholarship. I found out last week that he has been hanging out with my girlfriend without me. She can’t stop talking how he is such a badass. When I walk to class, people scream his name at me. It has gotten to point that I can’t go anywhere without hearing about that asshole. It’s just completely fucking out of control. This morning, my roommate and I got into a massive fight. Somebody tried to make pancakes, but ended up taking a dump in the kitchen sink. My roommate completely freaked the hell out and screamed at me, “What the fuck Havoc? There is a turd in the goddamn sink. I can’t deal with this anymore. I’m moving out.” I have literally never seen someone that angry before in my life. Like heart attack level angry … Wait a minute … he called me Havoc.  

I guess technically Havoc does lives here. Also, I have a room for rent if anyone is interested.

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