Virginia Senate Passes Resolution Bypassing Democratic Elections for Rock-Paper-Scissors Matches

RICHMOND, Va. — With overwhelming support from the Republican majority, the Virginia Senate passed a resolution this morning that will officially allow rock-paper-scissors matches to take the place of popular democratic elections. This resolution was partly influenced by David Yancey’s recent tie-braking victory in the 49th district that was determined by drawing a name from a bowl, which has been hailed as a major success in democracy from much of the Senate. “We look forward to utilizing rock-paper-scissors tournaments at the polls in the future,” Jill Vogel, R-27th, announced, citing various benefits the children’s game could provide for upcoming elections. “Rock-paper-scissors is friendly, simple, has very little overhead, and ties can simply be resolved by playing another round. We truly believe this is a huge step forward in making sure that every vote is counted.” Vogel also mentioned that alternative voting methods included thumb wars and a variation of duck, duck, goose named duck, duck, senator.

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