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William and Mary Campus Police Issue Warning: Line to Enter Swem Library Currently Seven Miles Long

WILLIAMSBURG, Va. — Due to the immense demand for entry to Swem Library during the first week of the spring semester, the William and Mary campus police have just sent out an alert warning that the line to get in is approximately seven miles long.

According to authorities, the extreme length of the line is being attributed to the syllabi that university students received this week, which detail the students’ rigorous schedule of projects, exams, and debilitating anxiety attacks throughout the upcoming semester.

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“I knew that college would be hard, but damn, I didn’t realize how tough it would be just to get into the library,” freshman Matthew Horner said. “My roommate skipped moving in altogether just to get his spot in line. I thought he was overreacting, but now I’m thinking he had the right idea.”

Earl Gregg Swem Library is notorious for being overcrowded with undergraduates hoping to find some place to study besides their tiny dorm room. In December 2011, a video showing hundreds of students pushing their way into the just-opened library during exams went viral, and it is not unusual to see students eating full meals, sleeping, or even setting up tents amongst the books.

“I’ve brought enough supplies to stay until Monday,” junior Emily Mendez stated. “I’m double majoring in history and philosophy, and I already have three papers due by the second week. There’s no way in hell I can do those in my room, what with my roommate blasting music all week and partying all weekend—she’s only a kinesiology major.”

Authorities are urging students to stay home until the line is under control.

“We really don’t want to see more students out here until it’s at least a manageable length of 2.5 miles,” Officer Alan Brody, Chief of Campus Police, said.

Sources indicate that the wait time to access private study rooms is approximately four days. Authorities are encouraging students to share books with fellow classmates and to make use of alternate locations, such as dormitory common rooms or the Sadler Center couches.

Most importantly, campus police used this time to encourage students to get a head start on midterms.

“Shit, if the line’s like this before classes even start, I hate to see what it’s going to be like come reading period,” Officer Brody said.

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3 Comments on William and Mary Campus Police Issue Warning: Line to Enter Swem Library Currently Seven Miles Long

  1. DAvid Dennie // August 30, 2017 at 2:18 pm // Reply

    Even though my undergraduate time at The College dates back about 40 years (and that means that I used, and worked in, the “old” Swem Library), I find it fascinating that the situation there is similar enough now to merit satirizing in a piece like this one. Anyone who’s been a student there knows what I’m talking about…

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  2. Leroy Willie Johnson // August 30, 2017 at 9:42 pm // Reply

    Let’s see, single file, 5 feet between each person, equals 1000 people per mile. Last year enrollment was 8600.
    That would be 8.6 miles.
    I call major B.S. on this “line.”
    No way 7000 people (out of 8600) ALL got in line. Also, they were probably bunched up like sardines, so the line would be much smaller.
    The math does not add up. Sorry.

    Like

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