NORFOLK, Va. — Multiple reports now confirm that Virginia Beach resident Edgar Wilson has decided to stay at his neighbor’s birthday party after hearing rumors of a soon to be delivered Chanello’s pizza.
This decision comes after a few hours of casual binge drinking. Wilson, a government contractor from Chesapeake, had originally planned to just stop in and say hi but got caught up in the party. According to his girlfriend Eliza Rolfe, “I thought we were going to go home and finish ‘Stranger Things’ like an hour ago, but I just saw Ed grab another beer.”
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Of the 40 people who gathered to celebrate at the party’s peak, only half remain, now spilling out on to the front porch to smoke cigarettes, shotgun beers, and puke. Wilson was last seen telling an exaggerated story of his hunting trip on the Eastern Shore.
Under scrutiny, Wilson’s own past suggests that the sudden change of course is not entirely without precedent. He once almost finished an entire case of Natty and three bags of Doritos halfway through his final semester at Radford ten years ago awaiting a similar pizza delivery.
“He did this same shit last year,” Rolfe said. “I called the Uber, then he’s like ‘babe, we never do anything fun anymore, let’s just stay for a slice.”
It is currently unclear who is paying for the pie or if there will be enough for everyone to get more than one slice. The pizza, which “was supposed to be here like an hour ago,” according to Wilson’s buddy Mack, is reportedly an extra large Big Boy pepperoni and sausage, extra ranch and garlic sauce on the side.
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