News Peed

Midlothian Woman Surprised to Find Peak Experiences Doesn’t Sell Sex Toys

MIDLOTHIAN, Va. — Marlene Grimes, a local church secretary, was surprised to discover that Peak Experiences, located in the Bellgrade Shopping Center, is only a climbing gym and doesn’t sell sex toys like she initially believed.

Grimes was in the area to pick up her granddaughter from school and decided to wander over to the suggestively-named rock climbing center out of curiosity. “I’ve never cared much for adult gadgets or silly gizmos of that sort,” Grimes explained. “But I was suddenly overcome with a bit of a wild streak, I suppose. I’m almost 50 and, well, I guess I thought I deserved a little bit of spice in my life.”

After approaching the storefront, however, Grimes discovered that there were no sexual devices for sale. Instead, she was surprised to find that the entire building was filled with kids climbing on rock walls and suspended in mid-air.

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“I initially was concerned about all of the children playing in an adult toy store,” Grimes recalled. “But when I realized that it was actually a rock climbing studio, I took it as a sign from God telling me that what I had tried to do was wrong.”

When reached for comment, Peak Experiences General Manager Nikki Carey was unsurprised. “That happens all the fucking time,” Carey sighed.

At press time, Grimes was seen asking for directions to Talbots. “Somehow I ended up at this store called Taboo instead,” she explained. “I thought I was going to be getting a brand new pair of Sunday slacks, but wouldn’t you believe it, I goofed again and ended up with a cherry-flavored vibrating tongue ring. The Lord sure does have a sense of humor!”

Be sure to check out our online store for some killer swag.

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