Throughout The Peedmont’s history, we have a tradition of sending a little something special to the man in the Oval Office each President’s Day. We know that being president is kind of a thankless, sucky job. Sure, they sometimes ride around on Airforce One, but that’s only a recent perk. Think about what it must have been like for Millard Fillmore — he just got to ride around in a less shitty carriage than everyone else. We feel like our dear leaders historically get the shaft when it comes to gifts, which is an egregious travesty that we try to right.
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Some of our gifts have been hits, and others, well, lesser hits. Still, we like to think we are pretty good gift givers. Warren G. Harding, or “Muthafuckin’ G” as we have always referred to him, received a bottle of brandy and three hookers named Brandy from us one year. William Taft got a NordicTrack during his third year. George W. Bush learned how to paint thanks to the watercolor set we sent his way.
We don’t always hit the mark, though. One year we regifted Dwight Eisenhower a ficus. Big mea culpa on that one. President’s Day kind of snuck up on us in 1956.
We always try our damnedest to get the president something incredible. But this year we are fucking stumped. What do you get a president who allegedly already has everything? And to be honest, we don’t really want to spend a lot (our budget is tight thanks to throwing so much into the Bitcoin trend back in December).
Our current president already has a plane with his name on it. He owns so many buildings that he called the White House a dump. We were thinking about golf balls, but that’s such a dad gift. We even kicked around the idea of getting him a bucket of KFC, but we heard that he already had a franchise installed in the Roosevelt Room. We agonized over this decision for a month. We even strolled around a Walmart for three hours hoping to stumble across something.
Seriously, what gift can you give a billionaire?
We eventually realized we had to give him something money couldn’t buy: our respect and appreciation. So here is a message especially for President Donald J. Trump:
Mr. President, we know that you’re doing the best you can. We think you are one of smartest, most capable men ever to ascend to the presidency. You are a glorious leader who will overcome any adversity and make us great again. We put our trust and faith in your leadership. Thank you for all that you do.
Just kidding, we got him a tub of Propecia and the complete DVD collection of “Schoolhouse Rock!” The DVDs were in the bargain bin of a local gas station, and the last thing we want is to see a local shop go under due to not being able to sell aged inventory. So, in a way, our gift is a statement to the longevity and prosperity of local businesses everywhere.
President Trump, from all of us at The Peedmont, we wish you a happy President’s Day and hope you enjoy a day off from working, golfing, tweeting, or whatever it is you do.
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