News Peed

UVA Student Appalled When Manservant Speaks Out of Turn at Fraternity Event

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Delta Kappa Epsilon’s (DKE) third annual Consultants Without Borders fundraising formal came to an abrupt end last night when chapter president Stanwick Pemberbottom IV was corrected by his manservant, known only as Shackleford, for using the incorrect utensil during dinner.

Attendees observed Pemberbottom wrongly using an oyster fork on the seared scallops, “like a common peasant,” as one guest recalled, during the third course of their tasting menu.

RELATED (article continued below):

  • Be sure to check out our online store for some cool merch.

“Shackleford, always the dutiful manservant, came up behind Stanwick and quietly corrected him for this egregious error,” recounted fellow attendee Harlowe Fitzsimmons. “However, in doing so, he had interrupted a rousing discussion on Deloitte’s business ventures in the Sudan, which definitely tousled Stanwick’s petticoat.”

Pemberbottom was seen storming out of the upper solarium, overcome with embarrassment, putting an end to the event. When asked about the ordeal he stated, “Shackleford has always been a bit brash at times, especially in those first weeks after I purchased him from Tagg Romney.”

“One time, he even had the gall to discipline the cobbler with my prized riding crop without permission,” he added. “This evening was simply the final straw.“

This is not the first time a Consultants Without Borders fundraising event was stopped short due to the increasingly tacky behavior of the help. Last semester, the annual croquet tournament on the Lawn had to be canceled after a participant’s chambermaid was overheard calling a new pledge a “bit of a sticky wicket” within earshot of University President Teresa Sullivan.

The organization’s vice president, Spaulding Bixby, was in attendance yesterday evening. The two-time “Consultant of the Year,” as rated by Hustler magazine, was involved in an ensuing scuffle between Shackleford and Pemberbottom, when the two engaged in a shouting match over the events of the night, as well as the proper laundering technique for Pemberbottom’s favorite dressing gown.

The exchange soon became violent, though no major injuries were reported until a silver absinthe spoon became lodged in Bixby’s right ear. Despite this injury, he tried to remain positive.

“We at Consultants Without Borders will plow through these minor setbacks just like they were a set of SEC regulations,” Bixby said encouragingly. “We remain committed to aiding under-wealthed peoples across the world in the hopes we can leverage their adversity into increased dividends for our stockholders.”

When reached for further comment, Pemberbottom stated, “Canceling the event has been a minor setback, and Shackleford will be beaten with reeds until he is cured of his insolence. However, I will strive to rebuild our organization’s shattered reputation using the same tools passed down by our university’s founder, Mr. Jefferson: grit, determination, and unpaid manual labor.”


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: