Allen, Allen, Allen & Allen Announces Plan to Add at Least Three More Allens

RICHMOND, Va. — Stressing the importance of having similarly-named attorneys, Allen, Allen, Allen & Allen, the famed Richmond personal injury law firm, has announced plans to add at least three more people named Allen to their practice.

Dwight Allen, a partner and Allen number two, read a statement at a press conference from the firm’s Short Pump office.

“In keeping with our proud tradition, we have decided we will only hire people named Allen in the future. We would prefer if it’s a last name, but we can make a first name exception for well-qualified candidates.”

“No middle names though. We have to draw a line somewhere,” he added.

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As a first step toward this new policy, the firm announced the hiring of the Allen triplets, who will graduate from the Antonin Scalia Law School at George Mason University this spring. They are Thomas Allen, Richard Allen, and Harold Allen.

“We need jobs and they need more people named Allen,” Richard Allen said with a shrug. “It may get kind of confusing when someone calls in asking for Mr. Allen, but as long as nobody has the same first name as someone else, we shouldn’t have too much trouble.”

The firm declined to comment on whether it would change its name to Allen, Allen, Allen, Allen, Allen, Allen & Allen should the triplets make partner in the future.

Lance Allen, a partner and Allen number three, was also at the press conference and cited cost saving as well as the opportunity to develop a niche in legal representation as the main drivers for the new “Allen-only” policy.

“We get a discount on business cards if we only have to change the first name,” Lance Allen said. “And we plan to open a boutique law practice that only represents people with the last name Allen.”

Nearly 500,000 people in the U.S. bear the surname, including celebrities such as Woody Allen and Tim Allen. “We see this as a huge growth opportunity for the firm. Celebrities like Tim and Woody, and maybe former governor George, would do great in advertisements,” Lance Allen commented.

After the press conference, Lance Allen was seen asking if anyone had phone numbers for Hoodie Allen, Ray Allen, or Lily Allen.

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