WASHINGTON — Hope Hicks, 29, known primarily as the face of the “Hourglass Adventures” children’s novels, has announced that she will officially be joining the growing non-profit Leech for America (LFA). Hicks will be taking over as Director of Communications for LFA, an organization whose primary goal is to teach young adults in the Washington D.C. metropolitan area how to fail upwards by utilizing the communication industry’s jargon to their advantage.
“Just to take a 10,000 foot view of this venture, I’m trying to mold young thinkfluencers and thought-leaders around the D.C. area so that they can incubate a unique convergence of market-ready frameworks into analytic dividends.”
When asked to elaborate, Hicks responded, “No.”
Hicks’s early modeling career served as a springboard into the communications industry for reasons one colleague described as, “Come on, do you really need to ask?”
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However, it has not been all positive for the burgeoning young talent. Hicks’ previous venture ended in her resignation when it was revealed she withheld material information from her former employer, a real estate mogul turned executive of a relatively new start-up, originally founded by British investors. The start-up has gone through approximately 44 chief executives; however, experts estimate that only about five of them have exhibited any identifiable level of competence. It came as no surprise to Hicks that the 45th failed to buck the trend.
“I knew going in that the odds were against our success. Most start-ups fail within the first few centuries and I was honestly surprised how long this particular one lasted given its leadership over the last 250 years.”
Hicks faced an additional setback when her former beau, Robert Porter, was revealed to be what many political commentators have described as “pretty much par for the course for political figures from Massachusetts.” The breakup has forced Hicks to leave the palatial Georgetown townhouse she shared with Porter and sublet a room in her parent’s basement.
“We’re just thrilled to have Hope back in the house,” Hick’s father, Paul Hicks, stated, as he cleared out a spare bedroom for her arrival. “After she moved out, we converted her room into a home-theatre lounge.”
“We have had one doozy of a winter and I could really use Hope’s help around the house ordering the groundskeepers around,” he added.
Ever the trend-setter, Hicks eagerly waits to write her next chapter by working for a non-profit organization while commuting from her parent’s basement, a new, fashionable life-choice sweeping the nation’s millennial community.
Hicks remains optimistic of the transition from one job to the next. “Sure, my new venture doesn’t have the prestige of my former jobs, and it doesn’t have many great benefits, nor is there any room for advancement, and the salary barely covers the cost of your average boozy brunch, but at least the commute is terrible.”
When asked if she would ever consider rejoining her old start-up, a position that accorded her power, influence, notoriety, a finger on the pulse of a nation, and access to the halls of power, Hicks confidently stated, “I’m proud of the work I did, but I think LFA, operating as it does in the back booth of a Potbelly Sandwich Shop every third Wednesday, provides a level of stability and competence that I don’t think I’ve ever experienced at any of my previous jobs.”
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