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Rich Irish Cultural Heritage Reduced to Getting Shitfaced at Shamrock the Block

RICHMOND, Va. — While commemorating and honoring the patron saint of Ireland, Church Hill resident Derek Desmond became completely obliterated before pissing in a secluded alleyway in Scott’s Addition while attending Richmond’s annual Shamrock the Block festival, sources confirmed Saturday.

Desmond, 23, reportedly began celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, which honors the beloved tapestry of Irish contributions to Western civilization and the additions Irish-Americans made to the culture and society of the United States, by starting to binge drink at 10:30 a.m.

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“I always look forward to getting totally blitzed on St. Patty’s Day every year,” Desmond commented of the holiday that celebrates Irish literature from such authors as James Joyce, Oscar Wilde, George Bernard Shaw, and Samuel Beckett. “We got a head start with pregaming this morning, and then my boy Tillman showed up with a half-finished handle of Jameson before we left. It’s shaping up to be a fucking awesome day.”

Per witness accounts, Desmond and his friends staggered to the festivities, which honor parts of Irish culture like Celtic music and the fast-paced Irish step dancing, stopping only once to vomit into the trash bin outside of a CVS Pharmacy.

“The line for the green beer was so fucking long, like, 20 minutes at least,” Desmond said on the holiday that memorializes decades of strife, known as “the Troubles,” between Ireland and the Northern Ireland province of the United Kingdom that eventually reached a peaceful resolution in the 1990s.

“They definitely need at least one more beer truck or, like, 40 kegs to run this party right,” he added.

Later that afternoon, his thoughts shifted to the imperative need to resolve the growing pressure in his lower abdomen that felt like it was about to burst. One festival patron reported seeing him stumble down a secluded alleyway and promptly relieving himself next to a dumpster.

Desmond, who claims to be 1/19th Irish, said he’s proud of his Irish ancestors and the country’s rich culture.

“I’m a big fan of U2, and Sinead O’Conner had a good album. And I think that one chick, you know, that one from ‘Lady Bird’? The one with the weird name? I think she might be Irish. So, that’s cool.”

“Oh! And the Dropkick Murphys have that badass song about Boston,” he continued. “I fucking love that song.”

As he pondered his Irish culture and zipped up his fly, Desmond asked, “I wonder if there’s a patron saint for beating hangovers,” and then proceeded to ask his friends who was playing at The Broadberry tonight.

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