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UVA Suffers Biggest Defeat Since Abolition of Slavery

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Shockwaves tore through the University of Virginia campus Friday night as students and staff reacted to the stunning early exit of their number one ranked basketball team, calling the defeat the worst loss the university has suffered since the abolition of slavery during the Civil War.

The loss came at the hands of the little-known University of Maryland, Baltimore County, who delivered a stellar display of athleticism in their 74-54 victory. As one veteran sportscaster put it, “UVA choked like an imperial officer who just told Darth Vader the Force is bullshit.”

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The historic upset left many students angry and reminded them of another time history dealt them a crushing blow — when the school lost the free labor of enslaved African Americans in the 1860s.

“We took a beating worse than the Confederates did during the Vicksburg Campaign. How could this happen?” complained Dylan Blimmer, a junior and member of the Delta Sigma Phi fraternity, adding that the opposing team’s low ranking added grief to a loss rivaled only by the issuance of the Emancipation Proclamation in 1863. “Similar to how freed slaves went on to join the Union after Lincoln’s order, now we’re worried about UVA students wanting to transfer to UMBC.”

Blimmer went on to blame poor leadership from head coach Tony Bennett and suggested that former Confederate generals would have delivered better results. “Under Bennett’s coaching, we lost by 20 points to what may as well have been a YMCA team. [Stonewall] Jackson would’ve been able to stop Jairus Lyles’s 3 pointers, easily.”

Students and faculty alike will have to learn to cope with their newly lowered status. “We were just riding so high, we had the best season ever,” university professor Charles Williams bemoaned. “But I guess similar to how we lost the ability to have Blacks serve us our meals and clean our halls for little more than meager food and poor lodging, we will have to get used to our new status of being back at the bottom.”

“But, as we adapted to that,” he continued, “we shall overcome this as well. UVA will rise again!”

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3 Comments on UVA Suffers Biggest Defeat Since Abolition of Slavery

  1. Larry Ervin // March 19, 2018 at 11:44 pm // Reply

    As a native born Virginian I am highly offended by your comparison of UVAs basketball loss to the Civil War or slavery! Your narrative was done in very poor taste! As a fan of the team they just had a bad day and lost to an over achieving team.


  2. It was a basketball game you idiots.Sounds like a bunch of you are racist.Lee is dead and the rest of the confederates.No wonder your students look at us funny.We live here and you go too school here.Get your education and leave!


  3. Eleanor Franklin, PhD // March 20, 2018 at 1:22 pm // Reply

    This is disgusting. And racist. I’m a white, PhD woman from Virginia, and you shame me. Saying that not OWNING and BRUTALIZING other people was a loss for YOU????? It’s unconscionable! Whoever wrote this should be expelled or fired immediately. Any university that allows Civil War metaphors in discussing a ballgame should be closed down.

    Is it supposed to be funny or ironic? Why not compare it to Nazi Germany’s defeat when they “lost” the ability to continue the Holocaust? Southerners kill N-word people for their skin color to this day. After Charlottesville, how dare you?


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