UVA Suffers Biggest Defeat Since Abolition of Slavery

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Shockwaves tore through the University of Virginia campus Friday night as students and staff reacted to the stunning early exit of their number one ranked basketball team, calling the defeat the worst loss the university has suffered since the abolition of slavery during the Civil War.

The loss came at the hands of the little-known University of Maryland, Baltimore County, who delivered a stellar display of athleticism in their 74-54 victory. As one veteran sportscaster put it, “UVA choked like an imperial officer who just told Darth Vader the Force is bullshit.”

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The historic upset left many students angry and reminded them of another time history dealt them a crushing blow — when the school lost the free labor of enslaved African Americans in the 1860s.

“We took a beating worse than the Confederates did during the Vicksburg Campaign. How could this happen?” complained Dylan Blimmer, a junior and member of the Delta Sigma Phi fraternity, adding that the opposing team’s low ranking added grief to a loss rivaled only by the issuance of the Emancipation Proclamation in 1863. “Similar to how freed slaves went on to join the Union after Lincoln’s order, now we’re worried about UVA students wanting to transfer to UMBC.”

Blimmer went on to blame poor leadership from head coach Tony Bennett and suggested that former Confederate generals would have delivered better results. “Under Bennett’s coaching, we lost by 20 points to what may as well have been a YMCA team. [Stonewall] Jackson would’ve been able to stop Jairus Lyles’s 3 pointers, easily.”

Students and faculty alike will have to learn to cope with their newly lowered status. “We were just riding so high, we had the best season ever,” university professor Charles Williams bemoaned. “But I guess similar to how we lost the ability to have Blacks serve us our meals and clean our halls for little more than meager food and poor lodging, we will have to get used to our new status of being back at the bottom.”

“But, as we adapted to that,” he continued, “we shall overcome this as well. UVA will rise again!”

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