ARLINGTON, Va. — Local young professional Avery Hobson, 27, has reportedly spent the better part of the last two years strenuously arguing that residing in Arlington is “just as good as living in Georgetown.” Her position on this topic, which Georgetown residents have characterized as “a comforting lie,” has been unwavering, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
“Look, you can talk all you want about the brunch scene, historic side streets, prestigious, international residents, proximity to the halls of power, and boutique shopping options, but the fact of the matter is that Arlington simply trounces Georgetown in all major categories,” Hobson declared, adding that Arlington’s evident lack of local charm only added to the character of the city.
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“Arlington has a unique feeling all its own that is in no way corrupted by corporate interests, chain eateries, consultants named ‘Seth,’ or national department stores.”
“We all know being adjacent to prestige and wealth is just as good, if not better than, actually being prestigious and wealthy,” Hobson argued. “Arlington is like the Solange to Georgetown’s Beyoncé, and, if given the choice, who wouldn’t want to be Solange?”
When confronted with any differing point of view, Hobson has displayed a variety of reactions ranging from lengthy diatribes to inarticulate shouting, and, in multiple cases, she has simply put her fingers in her ears and yelled, “la la la la, I can’t hear you.”
This behavior has attracted the attention of local real estate agent and Georgetown resident, Valentina Adams. Adams and Hobson have been embroiled in an ongoing public feud as to the relative merits of each region. “Ms. Hobson’s antics would usually not bother me, but she is intent on slandering our great neighborhood in order to justify her poor life choices,” Adams commented.
During the course of our interview, Adams let slip that Hobson had attempted to retain her real estate services two years ago to find lodging in Georgetown, but Adams had turned her away.
“This is a historic neighborhood,” Adams explained, “and you have to be a fairly heavy hitter to be a resident. Whether it’s taking in an evening at Clyde’s while the Slovenian ambassador is making a scene during his weekly bender, or Snapchatting Tiffany Trump as she attempts to haggle over the price of a Dean & Deluca panini, we have standards to uphold.”
Despite Adams’s criticisms, Hobson remains confident in her position.
“Valentina Adams has no idea what she’s talking about,” Hobson responded. “Arlington has just as storied a history as Georgetown and anyone who lives here knows it.” When prompted for examples, Hobson stated, “Just three years ago, Senator Ted Cruz’s motorcade was diverted off of I-64 and he stopped by the local Cheesecake Factory to use the restroom and have a mudslide. We’re talking real history in the making here. Call me next time something as historic as that happens in Georgetown.”
On the subject of local eateries, Hobson stated, “Everyone talks about Georgetown Cupcake, and those gaudy pink boxes all my insufferable friends prance around with. The ones from Whole Foods are just as good.”
Hobson was later seen carrying a nondescript cardboard container of Hostess cupcakes from Whole Foods in a display one onlooker described as “unbelievably sad” and resembling “a soccer mom rushing to a hastily planned children’s birthday party.”