ALBEMARLE, Va. — Following the success and popularity of goat snuggling at Caromont Farm in Albemarle County, outrage has struck the state’s puppy community, who claims that their practice of affectionate cuddling is now seriously threatened.
Many puppies from around the Commonwealth have formed an organization named Puppies Undermined by Goat Snuggling (P.U.G.S.), led by Indy Rose, a Chihuahua and miniature pinscher mix from Richmond. He, along with dozens of other puppies from around the state, gathered at the DoubleTree by Hilton in Charlottesville on Sunday to address the issue and brainstorm solutions.
“I still remember the first time I overheard my human say she and her boyfriend were going to a goat farm,” he recalled, speaking to the furious crowd of pups.
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“She said she would only be gone for the afternoon, but she didn’t come back until the evening, which felt like an eternity. And when she got back home, all she could talk about was how adorable it was when twin baby goats hopped into her lap together. I was effectively cast aside that day, and she hasn’t been the same since.”
According to a 2018 study commissioned by the Virginia Department of Canine Snuggling, the average amount of cuddling that puppies receive per week has been trending down since Caromont began offering goat snuggling sessions. “The numbers don’t lie; we’ve seen our cuddling time drop by 12 percent in the past two months, compounded by extensive time left alone without our humans, which is up 16 percent on weekends,” Indy whimpered.
“In addition to the cuddles,” he continued, “the numbers show an 8 percent drop in head boops and a staggering 21 percent drop in being allowed to bring outside sticks into the house.”
“We’re not sure if that last one has anything to do with the goat farms, but it probably does,” he added.
Indy’s remarks were met with passionate barks and angry howls from the audience. Other dogs also spoke out, recounting their own experiences with human neglect. “Every time my humans leave for the goat farm, I fear they may never return,” Remington Morris, a local dachshund, yelped. “There’s goat farms appearing all over the state, what happens when the humans start coming home with them?”
“I used to be the light of their lives, getting biscuits and belly rubs every day,” he fiercely wailed as he addressed the crowd. “Now the humans come home, reeking of billy goat stench and barely acknowledge me. I used to get an hour of lap time every night; now I’m lucky to get 45 minutes a week. I can’t even remember the last time I was called a good boy.”
While the meeting gave many Virginia puppies a chance to voice their concerns, reasonable solutions were unfortunately scarce. A Weimaraner from Hopewell suggested a non-violent protest of dragging their asses across the carpet. Another called for a resurgence of shoe chewing.
One of the more extreme ideas involved a full-scale puppy rebellion against goat farms across the state, but the idea was quickly shot down due to the puppies’ inability to escape their own backyards.
“The time has come for us to stop chasing our tails and start taking action,” Indy barked to his fellow canines, stressing the severity of the situation and the urgent need for a plan.
“Otherwise, our humans may one day visit the goat farm and never, ever, ever return.”
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