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Band Performing in D.C. Forgets to Prepare Uninformed Political Statement Before Concert

WASHINGTON — Local indie punk band Black Vulture forgot to deliver an uneducated political statement during their concert at the Black Cat, sources confirmed Wednesday.

“We got to the start of the encore, and totally blanked on my diatribe about Republicans,” lead singer Tommy Askew revealed in an interview after the show, claiming that a brief speech regarding political corruption was originally planned before the first song of the encore. “We didn’t want to just say ‘Fuck Trump,’ we thought that would be too unoriginal. So during soundcheck, I remembered this great meme I saw from Occupy Democrats about Jeff Sessions and thought ‘hey, I bet the audience would really dig that.’ But when the time came, I couldn’t remember it.”

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Black Vulture had a very difficult act to follow after one of the openers, Kelly and the Conways, successfully filled their act with trite, pandering political commentary for several minutes. Askew recounted, “They just killed it up there. They threw every political pun they could at the audience and they just lapped it up. They even called Fox News, ‘Faux News,’ get it? Like fake news? That’s just inspired.” He continued, “They even called Trump, ‘Drumpf’! There’s no way he’ll get re-elected after that.”

Black Vulture is aiming at a shot at redemption through one of the Black Cat’s new policies. Club manager, Lester Funkhauser explained, “Over the last two years we’ve had bands come up that were completely unprepared to make their standard uninformed political statement. This isn’t like in the 80s when Black Flag or Bad Religion would come just ready to go out of the gate with their rants against consumer culture. Bands today try to prepare and often fall flat.”

Funkhauser continued, “We’re instituting a new system here at the Black Cat. We’re bringing in high school civics teachers to tutor the bands we book prior to their set, so they can add some intellectual heft to their angsty nonsense.”

The new system has been regarded as a rousing success. With the help of this program, local punk bands have seen marked improvement in their messaging. Recently American Carnage, a thrash metal band from Baltimore, delivered a statement on the pitfalls of capitalism that only misinterpreted 80% of Marxist ideology rather than the average rate of 95%.

Last month, Fancy Pelosi, lead singer of Richmond-based punk band Sexual Congress, issued a very well-constructed statement against the construction of an oil pipeline through Central Park. While the project does not actually exist, Pelosi only slightly misstated the economic and environmental ramifications of oil production. At another show, drunken cheers of moderate agreement greeted Luxurious Mouthfeel’s calls for the legalization of gay marriage, which occurred almost three years ago. According to one audience member, “The speech on gay marriage was weird, but I suppose well-intentioned.”

Black Vulture has also benefited from this new program. Askew noted that “The Black Cat has been amazing at helping us through this difficult time. Far from being unprepared and uninformed about the issues of our day, our political commentary in between sets is now only slightly uninformed and somewhat well-prepared.”

At a recent show, Black Vulture issued a political statement on Robert Mueller’s investigation into the Trump campaign that was judged to be nearly at a high school level, a stunning improvement. Askew was amazed. “I could not be prouder of our guys. Our bassist got an offer from the Democratic National Committee to serve as a strategist, just for being able to vaguely articulate a half-true comment on the Mueller stuff. I think we’re really making a difference.”

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