RICHMOND, Va. – Tensions within a local group text rose precipitously this afternoon following three weeks of failed negotiations for weekend brunch. The text conversation, named “Lit Fam,” includes close college friends Brad, Courtney, and Justin, and secondary participants Megan, Justin’s girlfriend, and Katie, who used to hook up with Brad and is kind of annoying.
Brunch talks were initially opened by Courtney after a 26-day volley of calls for after-work drinks eventually stalled. “Justin kept having to work late and Katie started seeing someone,” explained Courtney, “The situation just devolved into a complete stalemate. Brad eventually walked away from the table altogether, metaphorically speaking. We unfortunately hadn’t gotten an actual table yet.” The proposal for an after-work happy hour was fully withdrawn after a date was confirmed by all parties but a location proved too difficult to agree upon.
“How hard is it to just commit to a place, right?” added Megan, “Christ, we’re all adults, act like it.”
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The decision to reschedule for a possible brunch outing was settled after the first week. Although all parties managed to assemble during the second weekend of talks, the situation became fully unstable after it was revealed that the wait at Bamboo Cafe was around two hours.
Brunch seemed closer to fruition after text negotiations entered its third week. The group had finally agreed upon Black Sheep, but then Justin and Megan had to attend what was described as a “family thing.”
As of press time Brad, refreshed by a “group hang” over the weekend with friends from his old job, was leading a renewed effort to lock down at least coffee. However, tensions are running high and people are becoming dangerously impatient.
International committees are monitoring the situation closely. “If this round stalls, the whole text convo could escalate into full-blown hostilities,” commented António Guterres, Secretary-General of United Nations, “The best we can hope for is rapid de-escalation of tensions by way of an honest and peaceful dining experience.”
Unconfirmed reports of troop movements along the Katie/Megan border have added a sense of urgency to the texts. “It feels as though, at this point, we’re faced with either a steady transition to at least coffee or fully-armed conflict,” stated Courtney, “God, I really don’t care where we go at this point. Just not Millie’s—with the long wait …”
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