Virginia Flaggers Erect Over I-64

IN THE MIDDLE OF A GODDAMN FIELD IN LOUISA, Va. — Members of the Virginia Flaggers stood at rigid attention and gave a full salute as a large Confederate flag was raised to flap in the breeze over Interstate 64 in Louisa County.

Members of the Virginia Flaggers planted their flag in the virgin soil as an act of both pride and protest in response to what they refer to as “the Charlottesville City Council’s bulging overreach in their decision to remove Confederate statues from city property.”

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“This is an act of steely defiance against Wes Bellamy and those other boners in the city council,” Dwayne Floyd Hemmings, director of the Virginia Flaggers organization, said.

“We will not be thrust into an act of submission, and we will not be dissuaded by flaccid attempts from liberal elites to spew false narratives about our heritage. I mean it, I haven’t been this angry since they proposed putting up a toll road to Myrtle Beach,” he added.

After the raising of the flag, the group’s officers stood at attention as several fun guns were fired. The Sons of Confederate Veterans Mechanized Cavalry band played “Dixie” on their skin flutes as a Confederate Cross of Honor, which they assured reporters in no way resembles the Nazi Iron Cross, was placed at the grave of a nearby Confederate soldier.

To date, the Virginia Flaggers have hoisted 27 poles around the Commonwealth, an endeavour which has not come without significant financial burden. In order to alleviate the strain of planting so many flags, the group has proposed more cost-effective options including mobile flagpoles and smaller poles, which Hemmings refers to as “half chubs.”

When reached for comment, Charles Glass, a member of the Charlottesville City Council said that as the flag is on private property, the group is well within their rights. In his view most Charlottesville residents didn’t seem to care what the flaggers were up to.

“I guess if they want to spend their Coors Light money on worshiping a bunch of losers from 150 years ago, then whatever. I tried talking with them, but got tired of being told I needed to ‘learn history.’ The whole thing is just kind of sad, really. The team that plays the Harlem Globetrotters has a better record for winning than the Confederacy.”

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