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Corey Stewart Declares War on Progress

LYNCHBURG, Va. — Perennial Republican candidate Corey Stewart has announced a new initiative in hopes of bolstering his own political fortunes by declaring a war on progress.

“Since the wars on drugs, terror, and Christmas, respectively, have been so successful, I believe that another symbolic war is just what is needed to rectify the damage that progress has done to our Commonwealth, our nation, and our world,” Stewart said at a press conference on Tuesday.

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Stewart hopes that by putting progress in the crosshairs, it can bring new attention to him and his political beliefs in time for the impending election.

“Progress has done very little for our mutual good,” Stewart continued, while drinking a clean glass of water, talking to a camera that records everything he does for posterity, and not contracting polio due to collective immunization.

“Progress is the enemy of the Commonwealth itself,” Stewart elaborated. “My dream isn’t for a Virginia that’s diverse, tolerant, or one of the most cutting-edge states in the Union. My dream is of a Virginia slowly but surely surging ahead into the 19th century.”

Stewart also challenged critics who questioned his stance on progress, citing linguistic similarities as clear evidence of damaging progress.

“If progress truly is so great, riddle me this: since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con,’ then ‘progress’ is the opposite of what? Congress. And I refuse to have this concept continue to damage and insult our beloved Constitution.”

Stewart concluded his speech by dropping his microphone and awkwardly meandering to the backstage area.

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