ARLINGTON, Va. — Arlington resident, Amanda Joyce, recently received notice from multiple dating sites that they will no longer support any of her profiles and have banned her entirely.
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Hinge, Bumble, Match.com, Christian Mingle, Coffee Meets Bagel, and Tinder, among others, had issued a series of warnings to Joyce that her profile violated the Terms of Service agreement requiring all single, female residents of the greater Washington D.C. metropolitan area to wear a Bryce Harper jersey in at least one profile picture. After a brief probationary period, Joyce still refused to comply, stating, “I don’t even like baseball. Who is this Harper guy?” The dating site conglomerates soon issued a blanket ban.
Public affairs representative for Bumble, Penelope McPherson, explained, “Ms. Joyce clearly violated the simple requirements that we have set out for all our users. These requirements are plainly listed and serve a very specific purpose. How else will our female users be able to communicate that they are a hip, young millennial who has a cursory knowledge of what we in the industry call ‘the sports’?”
Joyce intends to appeal her ban. “I followed every other requirement in each site’s Terms of Service agreement,” she argued. “I said I was ‘spiritual but not religious,’ I listed ‘naps and Netflix’ as my hobbies, I noted that I love ‘The West Wing’ and ‘Parks and Recreation,’ and I featured no fewer than two photos of myself holding a glass of wine. The Bryce Harper jersey requirement is simply absurd.”
McPherson argued that this prerequisite is a cornerstone of the Northern Virginia market. “He is a handsome athlete with a fantastic beard and those come-hither eyes that women desire and men envy,” she explained. “Aside from wearing his jersey, there is simply no other way to communicate to available suitors that you’re willing to sit in the blistering heat for four hours while drinking a warm, $8 beer just to catch a glimpse of a more desirable man.”
Bryce Harper could not be reached for comment. However, the Washington Nationals issued the following press release on this matter: “We fully support banning Ms. Joyce from any and all dating sites for her refusal to wear Bryce’s jersey. We have one year left with him before he joins the Cubs or Yankees so enjoy it while it lasts. In the meantime, all female Nationals fans are invited to Dating Profile Night where a professional photographer will be present on the outfield concourse to take photos of you and your friends doing that weird ‘hand on your hip, head tilt’ thing. Go Nats.”
Despite the ban, Joyce intends to continue dating in the Washington D.C. area the old fashioned way. Instead of utilizing dating sites, Joyce will begin posting fliers of herself on local lamp posts featuring selfies using Snapchat filters, photos of her aiding third world children, her job description and salary, and her Instagram handle “livelaughlovexoxoxo.”
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