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UN Officially Classifies NOVA Traffic As Crime Against Humanity

NEW YORK — The United Nations (UN) announced this week that traffic in Northern Virginia, known colloquially as NOVA, is now a formally recognized crime against humanity. This move came after the International Criminal Court, based in the Hague, Netherlands, issued a report condemning the ever-worsening situation as “inhumane, completely avoidable, and an outright affront to all mankind.”

Official UN spokesperson Paula Lambretti made the public announcement earlier this week at the International Transportation and Safety Conference, a biennial conference dedicated to worldwide traffic compliance and the humane treatment of motorists. “Our UN Observers concluded that the constant threat of being stuck in gridlocked traffic for hours at a time is nothing short of a human rights violation. The sheer volume of bumper-to-bumper atrocities would unnerve even the most cold-hearted despot.”

Last year, after numerous cases of traffic delays and alarming driver conditions surfaced, UN member states voted to deploy UN Observers to investigate NOVA traffic patterns and vehicular incidents. The initial reports caused widespread concern among member states, who called for the UN Security Council to issue a formal response.

“In 2016 there were 172 accounts of drivers starving to death when they couldn’t make it to the exit ramp in time,” commented Transportation Safety Secretary Dr. Farid Abboud, “In terms of where this lands on the war crimes spectrum, we would place NOVA traffic somewhere between extrajudicial killings and a death squad.” Additionally, UN Observers logged over 900 instances where motorists turned hostile towards one another when refused a simple lane merger.

“In terms of where this lands on the war crimes spectrum, we would place NOVA traffic somewhere between extrajudicial killings and a death squad.”

“Spending up to three hours in Alexandria’s evening rush hour is a textbook human rights violation,” added Abboud. “The combination of convoluted signage, over-caffeinated drivers, and seemingly perennial construction projects have resulted in a dire situation that requires immediate attention. It’s clear as day, Section 7, Article 12 of the Geneva Convention: Being stuck behind the wheel for three or more days at a time is a direct violation.”

In addition to the formal classification, the UN Security Council issued guidelines for combatting NOVA traffic including extending highway on-ramps, expanding HOV lanes, and deploying up to two thousand armed UN Peacekeepers. However, these suggestions have been seen as unrealistic and likely to cause more problems.

“Quite honestly, any upgrades to the infrastructure itself would likely require significant construction,” commented Francois Pireneaux, Vice President of the Permanent Court of Arbitration, “And any further construction would invariably cause more traffic, thus triggering a feedback loop of death, destruction, and human suffering.”

Spokesperson Lambretti concluded the announcement by adding that if the conditions were not improved soon, UN Peacekeeping forces, in cooperation with NATO tactical forces, would be deployed to Fairfax to defuse the situation. “Some of our own Washington representatives almost missed the Transportation Conference after being caught in a Tysons Corner congestion ambush. This has to end.”

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