Corey Stewart Wins Primary, Prepares for Siege of Petersburg

RICHMOND, Va. — Following a valiant campaign that saw him claim victory as the GOP nomination for Senate in Virginia’s Republican primary Tuesday, Corey Stewart announced plans this morning to prepare for his upcoming siege of Petersburg. “We took the state by full storm yesterday, but we’ve still got a lot of work to do,” Stewart commented at a press conference, flanked by both his trusty steed Beauregard and his Enfield 1853 rifle.

“Our Petersburg campaign is crucial to our success in November’s election. We will stand up against that Yankee liberal Kaine and his army of millennials, and defend the heritage of our glorious Commonwealth from the opposing Union snowflakes into the night.”

At the time of reporting, Democratic nominee Tim Kaine was seen strategically constructing trenches filled with campaign propaganda, progressive ideas, and craft beer growlers around the outskirts of Petersburg.

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