News Peed

Richmond Residents Finalize Wills in Time for GRTC Pulse Launch Tomorrow

Danny Tiet

RICHMOND, Va. As the long-awaited GRTC Pulse officially opens throughout Richmond tomorrow, the city’s residents have been busy getting their wills finalized in preparation for possible deaths associated with the new buses, sources confirmed Saturday.

Construction of the Pulse, which will expand on the bus services originally offered by the city and possibly murder hundreds of jaywalking pedestrians as well as fellow motorists, has been underway since early 2017. With its imminent debut finally here, many Richmonders are wondering how far they should go in preparing for their respective and inevitable Pulse-resulted demises.

“Just trying to make sure all my affairs are in order by the time that thing launches,” Alvin Johnson, a longtime resident of the Fan, said. “I met with my lawyer and a public notary to catch up and make sure everything’s ready in case one of these lime green death-mobiles runs me off Broad.”

Johnson said that although he’s looking forward to a service that has the potential to improve transit throughout the city, he’s taking the necessary precautions, just in case.

“Maybe that new bus line is a fine and safe system, but it never hurts to be prepared,” Johnson continued. “That was my real incentive, it was more of a ‘better safe than sorry’ kind of thing. Since they changed up the lanes on Broad, there’s no telling what kind of mayhem might occur when this sucker hits the streets.”

Many Richmonders aren’t just preparing their wills, but also reevaluating their life insurance policies to make sure that their families are covered in the event of being hit by a new bus.

“Hell, I got myself a sweet new life insurance policy,” Samuel Bird, a Museum District resident, stated. “If anything happens to me, which, knowing this city’s record on transportation, seems inevitable at this point, my loved ones are getting the payout of a lifetime. I’m riding this rocket until the day I die. Literally!”

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the GRTC Pulse said that they looked forward to meeting everyone in court.

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