RICHMOND, Va. — Bishop Barry Knestout announced today that he will be stepping down as Bishop of the Catholic Diocese of Richmond and will be replaced by Father John Misty.
Father John Misty, also known as folk singer, Josh Tillman, is neither Catholic nor an actual ordained priest in any capacity. Despite this, he was Knestout’s first pick for the job.
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“The Diocese really needed something to appeal to the hipster masses, pun intended, of the Richmond area,” Knestout commented on the odd move. “Father John, as I call him, is more than well-suited for this position. Like many clergymen I grew up with back in the 1960s, he loves to play guitar at inappropriate times, drinks heavily, and enjoys tormenting his listeners with heavy-handed sermons on the follies of American consumerism.”
Tillman has shockingly accepted the appointment. “It’s the perfect gig,” he reasoned. “I get to wear an incredibly lavish outfit and look down upon people from an extremely well-appointed stage while playing music that was popular about 50 years ago. Honestly, I can’t tell how it’s different from my current job.”
Tillman also expressed hope that this would boost his popularity as an artist.
“Say what you will about Catholicism, but their followers have produced some great art — the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, the works of Beethoven, the Oscar-nominated film, ‘Ladybird.’ I put my latest album up against any of that, except maybe ‘Ladybird.’”
In his role as Bishop John Misty, Tillman hopes to attract the youth back to the pews via some interesting changes. “First off, I’m going to start selling tickets to Mass. Kids love thinking something is about to sell out. Next, everyone is going to wear flannel or some sort of ironic graphic t-shirt. Also, we’re moving everything to an open field in a barely accessible part of the state with limited to no parking. Finally, instead of prayers and stuff, I’ll just fiddle around on my guitar for a few minutes and come up with lyrics that make everyone feel sad.”
When confronted by the claim that he was basically stealing all the worst parts of your average music festival, Tillman responded, “Yeah, I know. Do you have any idea how much money those bring in? Way more than reading stuff in Latin.”
Knestout expressed optimism that Tillman’s changes as Bishop John Misty would draw in more youth, “Our religion is based upon a ragtag group of societal outcasts following around a bearded man. Something tells me this is going to work.”
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