News Peed

Local Satire Site Gives up on New Facebook Algorithm, Just Starts Reporting Real News

AT THE END OF MY SANITY — In an effort to combat Facebook’s latest algorithm that limits the amount of fake news on its platform, local satirical news organization The Peedmont will begin reporting real news, sources confirmed this week.

In a statement on the media company’s website, an anonymous editor elaborated on the decision in a lengthy post:

“My senior editor gave me an assignment to write about how Donald Trump would accept the Nobel Peace Prize in blackface if it was awarded to him, and I just don’t have it in me. Facebook is limiting the amount of times my work is showing up on your News Feed so you can see more of your friends’ selfies and uneducated political rants, so I’ve got no choice left but to just start reporting boring, non-satirical news.

Plus, it just seems too much like art imitating life at this point. Seriously, can Facebook even keep up? How are they going to distinguish the insane, yet factual, news from the truly fake articles?

Also, I’m about seven shots in and my bartender is beginning to look like a series of wavy lines. So, screw it. Here are some real crazy-ass stories you might have missed from the last few weeks, because I just can’t fucking even anymore.

Corey Stewart Wins the Republican Senate Primary and Immediately Steps on His Own Dick

A Strom Thurmond reincarnate won the Virginia Republican Senate primary, so overt racism is formally endorsed and accepted again. In one of his first official tweets as party nominee, Stewart promised to kick in Tim Kaine’s teeth. He followed up that tweet by condemning “violent Leftists” for shooting Steve Scalise during last year’s Congressional Baseball Game and bipartisan photo op. So there’s a dose of cognitive dissonance for you.

Joe Morrissey Lost His Law License, Again

The Virginia Supreme Court decided not to permit Fightin’ Joe Morrissey to keep his law license after he entered an Alford plea for sleeping with his 17-year old-receptionist, the woman he went on to marry right after she learned to drive. For some ridiculous reason, Morrissey does not have to register as a sex offender. However, his future career prospects are now somewhere between R. Kelly impersonator and an MMA fighter.

Frankly, I’d put my money on Joe, that motherfucker seems scrappy.

The Overly Attached Girlfriend Meme Is Real

Remember 2012? It was a simpler time when the only bullshit we heard from Donald Trump was about how Barack Obama was born in Kenya, everybody couldn’t shut the fuck up about ‘Gangnam Style,’ and we all passed around those Overly Attached Girlfriend memes.

Well now that crazy bitch is real.

A Canadian clarinet prodigy won a lawsuit upwards of $260,000 against his ex-girlfriend because she destroyed his career by faking a rejection letter from a prestigious Los Angeles music conservatory. She did it because she didn’t want him to move to Los Angeles from Montreal. That is poking holes in condoms level crazy.

Bear Attacks Are on the Rise

Apparently, because the world of man is a fallen hellscape, now even nature itself has decided to weigh judgment upon us in the form of large, furry animals the size of a Buick. Black bear attacks are on the rise as humans have evidently become more stupid or more tasty in recent years … maybe a bit of column A and column B.

Aliens Might Exist

Holy crap, Tom DeLonge was right. The Curiosity rover found organic compounds on Mars that may be up to 3.5 billion years old, prior to the existence of man, but just slightly after the creation of Betty White. That’s honestly the only joke I have about this because the implications are mind-bogglingly terrifying. Either, in some Twilight Zone twist, aliens existed on Mars before they obliterated themselves in some ironic Cold War spinoff, or these microbes are all there is, mankind is truly alone in the universe, and the only memory of our grandeur will be a radio broadcast of SpongeBob SquarePants that makes its way to Proxima Centauri.

Hey aliens, if you’re reading this, Facebook sucks. You should bring us a new social media monopoly when you finally make contact with us.

Weather Report

The forecast for Virginia over the next few months is hot and humid, with a chance of a thunderstorm. That’s about it.

You know what, fuck this, I quit. I’m going to go smoke a bowl, move to New Zealand, and begin a llama ranch. Wake me up when the alien bears run for Virginia Senate, maybe then Facebook will loosen its grip on organic content.

Suck it, Zuckerberg.”

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