Trump Names Dominion’s Chief Lump of Coal as New Head of EPA

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has tapped former Dominion Energy executive and senior chunk of coal ash, Elliot Alesworth Bernard III, to replace the departing administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency, Scott Pruitt, who resigned yesterday.

Bernard, a long time Trump supporter and donor, accepted the position during a brief ceremony in the White House Rose Garden. Trump touted Bernard’s qualifications in a speech to a small contingent of Fox News and Breitbart staffers.

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“Bernard is a great guy, a truly great guy,” Trump said. “I chose him to head the EPA because he is a winner and a handsome man. I’m not too embarrassed to say that, you know, those lying liberals will tell you that I am. But I’m not. He is a handsome man, just like me.”

While at Dominion, Bernard oversaw the largest release of toxic byproducts into the James River in the company’s history and started a pilot program aimed at encouraging people to leave all of their lights on when they go on vacation. His appointment is not without controversy. He nearly missed out on the job after photos surfaced of Bernard putting a soda can in a recycling bin.

Bernard answered questions at an impromptu White House press conference after the ceremony where he spoke about his work with Dominion.

“I’m very proud to have worked with such an eco-catastrophic organization like Dominion,” he stated, adding that he had some big plans for working in Washington. “The experience I gained destroying the James River has paved the way for the work I plan to do with such geological beauties as the Colorado River, Yellowstone, and maybe even the entire Gulf of Mexico.”

Bernard will begin his role on Monday once Scott Pruitt has finished stealing all of the office supplies at the EPA headquarters.

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