RICHMOND, Va. — In an apparent effort to lose all of his friends, Richmond native and selfish asshole Chris Baker ordered a bucket of tots at Sticky Rice without sharing, sources confirmed Sunday.
A small group of friends had gathered at Sticky Rice after their club kickball game when the incident occurred. “I only ordered one sushi roll since I heard someone at the table order tots,” Baker’s former friend Alyssa Donaldson told reporters while rubbing her nearly-empty belly. “I was thinking they were ordered for the entire table, so I was pretty taken aback when I realized that I wouldn’t be offered a single one.”
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As Baker took the overflowing bucket of tater tots from their server and proceeded to eat them without passing any around the table, his dining companions described the scene as selfish and barbaric.
Another former friend, Matt Nichols, told reporters that he had already set up a small space on his plate in anticipation of some tots. “I had laid out a small squirt of ketchup and everything,” Nichols explained. “But he scarfed them down without even so much as acknowledging us at the table. I guess we all know where we stand in his life now.”
One witness later confirmed that the last tater tot was seen going into Baker’s mouth in what seemed like exaggerated slow motion.
“I just couldn’t believe Chris would do that to me,” Nichols said. “We grew up across the street from each other and were in the same fraternity all through college. He was like a brother to me.”
“I guess you just never really know a person,” Donaldson added, “before this I thought he was such a nice guy.”
At press time, Baker was seen at Shyndigz ordering a slice of salted chocolate caramel cake with “just one fork, please.”
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