Richmond City Council Meeting Postponed Due to Agreement

RICHMOND, Va. — A Richmond City Council meeting scheduled for July 23 has been postponed after council members discovered that they were in complete agreement on every issue on the upcoming docket.

Council President Chris Hilbert attributes the uncharacteristic agreement to an ongoing group text message among the council members. The message thread, which has run continuously for the last two months, started when council member Kristen Nye Larson sent everyone an “ermahgerd” meme related to the weather.

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“At first it was just banter and chit chat, and then I realized that we could probably solve the city’s most pressing issues via our group message,” Hilbert said.

Hilbert began messaging the group and asking them to respond with their thoughts on a variety of issues, including the establishment of new bus routes, funding for an art commission, and the rezoning of Forest Hill Avenue. The group initially responded with thoughtful messages; however, the conversation soon devolved as the group grew weary of typing out responses to boring topics such as local self governance.

“Everyone started off strong with giving their thoughts via text, but after awhile everyone just started responding with ‘thumbs up’ and ‘100’ emojis,” Hilbert said. “Reva Trammell just straight up ghosted us after about 45 minutes.”

“Yaaaass kweeeen” gifs alone resolved several critical budget proposals. School funding will skyrocket next fiscal year due to a variety of “Saved by the Bell” memes.

Upon tallying the responses, Hilbert discovered that the council was in total agreement and he called for the cancellation of the July 23 meeting. He added that “Most councilmembers just started replying, ‘whatever,’ and ‘sure, why not,’ to most proposals. They spent the rest of the time gossiping about the cute new Times Dispatch reporter and seeing who would be which character in ‘Parks and Recreation.’” Reaching unanimous agreement has been described as “a total Leslie Knope move” by many on the message thread.

“This was a huge relief,” Ellen Robertson of District 6 said. “Normally I drink hot tea and do vocal warm up exercises before city council meetings to ready my voice for all of the screaming.”

Hilbert says he plans to try this same strategy for the August meeting.

“We seem to have taken care of business,” Hilbert said. “It’s summer and I don’t really feel like doing anything more than I have to. Plus, I’m behind on ‘Westworld’ and want to get caught up.”

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