RICHMOND, Va. — The Richmond hipster community, much maligned and used as the butt of several jokes when writers begin to run out of material, has produced their annual, sobering report on the level of gentrification in the city.
Citing the construction of a new Whole Foods, the arrival of Publix, an increase in beer prices, and a sudden spike in yoga attendance among the citizenry, Richmond’s hipsters have announced that the Gentrification Doomsday Clock will be moved to five minutes to midnight.
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The Gentrification Doomsday Clock was adopted by the community to track the levels of gentrification harming their lifestyle and the “authenticity” of the city. The clock began at 10 minutes to midnight upon its inception in 2008, when Richmond fell to the 49th most dangerous city in the United States, signaling to the nation’s white people that it was acceptable to begin moving there.
The Doomsday Clock made several leaps forward in the coming years. More recently, the launch of Hardywood Brewery in 2011 and the burgeoning craft beverage scene resulted in a move to seven minutes to midnight.
A move to five minutes to midnight followed a recent report that every mainstream news article pertaining to the city of Richmond utilized the word “millennial” no fewer than 17 times. The report also cites increased comparisons to Austin and Portland as factors.
Dr. Skyler Hutchins, the primary architect of the clock, explained what occurs when the Doomsday Clock hits midnight, “When we see Gentrification Doomsday Clock hit midnight, the entire hipster community devolves into a caricature of itself, which is close to happening in Richmond. Every street corner will feature an organic supermarket and almost all local businesses will be wiped out. Then comes what we call ‘Soccer Mom Nuclear Winter’ where scores of white suburban housewives begin moving into historically African-American neighborhoods. This period will last several years, destroying any good music and arts scene in the city. Before you know it, your favorite local band has a song featured on an HBO show and they sell out to do a duet with Ed Sheeran.”
When asked for a worst case scenario, Dr. Hutchins simply stated, “Brooklyn, but like from the show ‘Girls,’ not the cool parts.”
Five minutes to midnight represents the closest the Doomsday Clock has ever been to Soccer Mom Nuclear Winter. In order to prepare for a worst case scenario, the hipster community advises seeking shelter in Strange Matter or other local music venues that still play punk, to escape the fallout. Citizens should also refrain from ever venturing into the West End or Short Pump. Avoiding department stores of any kind is critical. If you are indoors and see a white flash in the distance, that is likely the sun reflecting off of a suburban family’s minivan. If you are within the minivan’s classic rock radio blast radius, called the “John Mellencamp Zone,” you are advised to seek shelter in your bathtub, open the windows, and begin blasting Slayer.
Concerned citizens may also begin smoking in public spaces to ward off attempts at advancing “wellness culture.” Littering is also advisable provided that any discarded beer containers are PBR, Miller High Life, or something similarly cheap yet delicious. Should these attempts at staving off gentrification work, the city will likely return to its pre-gentrification glory days of the 1980s when an actor was President, nuclear annihilation seemed inevitable, and Russia was America’s greatest enemy.
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