RICHMOND, Va. — Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Chief Martin Brody, formerly of the Amity Island Police Department and currently serving as the James River Park System Superintendent, has declared that Pony Pasture Rapids and surrounding areas of the James River are closed until further notice.
RELATED (article continued below):
- James River Calls in Sick to Work, Actually Heading to the River
- Windsor Farms Neighborhood Council Approves Plan For Defensive Moat
- Mongrel Introduces South Richmond Wastewater Treatment Plant Scented Candle
Brody’s decision was made after a recent threat of sharks along the rapids, coinciding with the annual celebration of Shark Week. Swimmers and vacationers began to suspect a shark attack was imminent when they heard a simple yet cinematic pattern of two alternating musical notes.
“The decision to shut down the James River was made for the safety of the entire community,” Brody explained at a community meeting, adding that he would be hiring boaters to patrol the river.
“Actually, I’m rather light on boaters, so if any VCU students in town for the summer want to help keep watch over the river, we’ll be meeting at Rocketts Landing on Saturday at noon.”
Also in attendance at the meeting was Quint, a local fisherman who was on the river when he received word of the decision.
“Y’know the thing about a James River shark, Chief, he’s got … lifeless eyes, black eyes, like Trump’s eyes,” Quint commented after pulling out a small chalkboard and scratching his fingernails across it in order to get the attention of the group.
Quint continued: “Those black eyes roll over white, and then … oh, then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin’, the James turns red, and despite of all the poundin’ and the hollerin’ and dabbin’ and Macarena-in’, they all come in and they … well, truth be told, the sharks do have a hard time escapin’ the rapids, Chief.”
The decision by Chief Brody clashed with the local government’s perception of a shark threat. Mayor Levar Stoney released a statement noting, “You yell ‘Barracuda!’ and everybody says, ‘What? Huh?’ You yell ‘Shark!’ and we’ve got a panic on our hands during Shark Week. Shutting down the James River is a gut-punch to the city’s summer revenue.”
At the time of reporting, Chief Brody was seen screaming at kayakers passing near Belle Isle, “You’re gonna need a bigger boat!”
Hey! You made it this far, so why not check out the online store?