Saturday Afternoon on Virginia Beach Boardwalk Mistaken for Gathering of the Juggalos
VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. — What began as a typical Saturday afternoon on the Virginia Beach Boardwalk quickly devolved into chaos as authorities responded to multiple reports of an impromptu Gathering of the Juggalos.
Enthusiastic fans of the hip-hop duo Insane Clown Posse (ICP), known as Juggalos, are still considered members of a “loosely organized hybrid gang” according to the FBI and have been the subject of heightened scrutiny in recent years.
“When officers arrived on the scene, they discovered approximately twelve individuals with painted faces wandering the boardwalk and loudly whooping,” Sergeant Robert Collins of the Virginia Beach Police Department told The Peedmont. “Their presence had clearly alarmed several store owners who worried they might disrupt the fragile ecosystem of drunk locals and tourists who didn’t feel like driving to the Outer Banks who keep them in business.”
Pete Harper, owner of Flipper McCoy’s arcade, first spotted the similarly dressed crew entering his establishment around 1:00 p.m. “They were laughing and carrying on like they were genuinely enjoying themselves,” Harper said while mopping up a puddle of vomit near the Frogger machine. “That immediately raised red flags for me. No one actually enjoys themselves here.”
One of the alleged Juggalos, Rick Johnson, was surprised by the sudden appearance of uniformed officers and an armored SWAT van. “We’re not a gang, we’re a family,” Johnson said emphatically. “No, seriously. We’re the Johnson family. We’re just visiting from Nashville and thought we’d get our faces painted by a nice young woman on the boardwalk. What the hell is a Juggalo?”
The encounter soon went viral on social media, and in a matter of hours, hundreds of real life Juggalos and Juggalettes from the surrounding area descended on the boardwalk in droves to protest the harassment of their supposed ICP brethren.
“It went from bad to worse to just bizarre,” Susan Burroughs, a waitress at the King of the Sea restaurant and buffet, said. “These clown people with spiked hair and hatchet tattoos poured in out of nowhere demanding all the Faygo we had. I asked if Pepsi was OK and they just started moshing in the middle of the restaurant.”
Local and state authorities were eventually able to diffuse the situation after contacting ICP front men Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope, who agreed to call off their raging fans but only if someone could finally explain to them how magnets worked.
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The police are no laughing matter here.
Norfolk VA born and raised ….radiology student at wash univ in southern il…how do fukkn magnets work tho anyway? Still wondering about that…meanwhile, dont miss the quantum physics seminar at the 20th annual gotj….right before J’s motivational speech…keep up, unless u cant
Stupid ass people and police if you don’t like our juggalo culture oh well we aren’t going anywhere! We are the definition of misunderstood and hated. I wouldn’t have left everywhere i go painted inn stilla partying customer no matter how many family members are with me FUCK the police for being scared pussies bringing swat out for a family!
You are all dumb as shit there is no Sgt Bobby Collins on VBPD
Leave us alone and worry about real fucking problems in your state.
“We are the definition of misunderstood and hated.”
No, I think this satire is the definition of misunderstood and hated.