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Alexandria Shuts Down 50 Local Businesses to Create Jobs for Amazon Bid

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — In order to enhance its already incredibly slim chances of winning the HQ2 bid to be the new location for Amazon’s second headquarters, the Alexandria City Council has recently shut down 50 local businesses, sources confirmed Tuesday.

“We may have just landed in the top 10 most unemployed cities in the state,” Mayor Allison Silberberg said, “but we’ve also just become the city that needs the Amazon headquarters the most, which I’m confident increases our chances exponentially.”

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“Plus, with Alexandria’s rich history, and that cool apothecary museum, we’re really going to draw them in,” Silberberg added, in a manner as if the city’s debilitating traffic was nonexistent.

Earlier in the month, city officials selected dozens of local shops, startups, and grassroots organizations to shut down. They notified business owners and gave them a week to evacuate the premises and terminate all employees.

“There was a mom and pop antique store in Old Town that had to go,” Silberberg continued. “And that little pizza place near the river? We said ‘see ya!’ to that last month.”

The decision to close down dozens of businesses has garnered mixed reception from both residents and business owners.

“I’ve had this business for 40 years,” Susan Draper, owner of local candy shop Susan’s Sweets, said. “The city told me that once Amazon moves in, I’ll get a job back, but I’m not really sure how my skills will transfer.”

“King Street looks like a ghost town,” local resident David Mack told reporters, describing the area filled with local shops hit hardest by the unemployment push. “I mean it’s nice being so quiet and all, and the traffic isn’t quite as bad, but I do miss that one record shop that got the boot.”

At press time, Alexandria city officials were seen rolling out banners that read “Welcome Amazon!” across the city hall lawn in a pitiful gesture of attempted hospitality.

Our online store is a pretty cool place to be, you know.

 

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