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“That’s It, Math Is Out,” ODU Refuses to Increase Tuition

NORFOLK, Va. — In a sincere and calculated move to help lower costs for students, Old Dominion University announced Monday the immediate expulsion of all math courses and majors from its degree programs.  

This stunning move enables the university to maintain their 2017 tuition rates while other Virginia public institutions of higher learning are raising their tuition costs by an average of 5 percent.

“Simply put, we’ve had it,” ODU Public Relations and Marketing Specialist Beth Millers said to reporters after the announcement. “The cost to attend ODU has nearly doubled in the last decade. Something had to give, so that’s it, math is out. It’s not that complicated.”

The United States Department of Education noted in a recent publication the average American adult spends approximately 90 to 120 seconds a year doing any sort of basic or advanced arithmetic. The same report also stated that children spend upwards of two to three years of their most precious time performing meaningless equations and algorithms.

Both faculty and students have offered various opinions on the lost class.

“As long as we’re not getting rid of football again,” current student Keith Wentworth said. “I’m a doorman at Batterson’s so I’m really behind not racking up more debt for tuition, and I don’t know anyone that uses math anyways. Or oceanography, for that matter. They should get rid of that snooze-fest of a class too.”

“This is simply devastating for my faculty and their families,” Michael Chang, Professor and Chair of the Department of Mathematics and Statistics, who made $115,000 a year before being ousted Monday, said. “What am I and the rest of my faculty supposed to do now with our varying master’s degrees and PhDs in math if we’re not teaching it?”

Though Millers could not guarantee tuition would not increase in 2019, Wentworth said it’s worth the gamble.

“I’m really proud to be part of a university that takes chances. Everyone said the monorail wouldn’t work and was a waste of money, but look at it now. It’s breathtaking.”

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