Virginia Beach Resident Who Regularly Leaves Six-Pack Rings on Beach Upset Turbines Might Kill Birds

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. — Claiming they will be extraordinarily hazardous to the environment, Virginia Beach resident Shelly Allen, who routinely leaves plastic trash along the beachfront, has launched a protest against the offshore turbines scheduled to be built in the near future.

“These turbines are a disgusting threat to birds and certainly aren’t worth the returns in renewable energy,” Allen stated during a protest on Atlantic Avenue, shortly after leaving the plastic rings of a six-pack consumed the previous night on the sands near the water. “We can’t sit back and let what are basically bird-slaughtering fans wreak havoc on seagulls and sandpipers.”

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Allen, who regularly leaves glass bottles on the beach after a day of picnicking with her friends and has an “I ❤ Jet Noise” bumper sticker on her Jeep, is planning weekly protests along the oceanfront that will feature propaganda banners and posters to save the birds.

“I just don’t understand how some people can’t see the disastrous effects these turbines will have on our ecosystem,” Allen told reporters while accidentally dropping her plastic straw on the ground and not bothering to pick it up.

At press time, Allen was seen passing out a full tree’s worth of flyers to fellow beachgoers in an effort to promote her upcoming anti-turbine rally.

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