RICHMOND, Va. — Gearing up for what’s bound to be a fun afternoon, the McPherson family is preparing for the annual St. Benedict Oktoberfest, which is a wonderful opportunity to support their community, have some fun, play a few games, and brace for the one time a year that their dad wakes up in a dumpster.
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Robert McPherson has been attending St. Benedict Oktoberfest with his wife, Jane, and his two children, Samantha and Christopher, ages 8 and 12, for the last five years. For each of those five years, McPherson has gotten what onlookers describe as “absolutely tanked” or “heinously obliterated,” before being politely asked to leave by the teenagers running security. Mr. McPherson believes that this is no issue at all, “I’m just trying to have some fun with my family while throwing back a few cold ones, is that a crime?”
Local law enforcement feels differently, however. According to Officer Eric Spinelli of the Richmond Police, it’s a very serious issue. “Yes, it absolutely is a crime. Not so much the drinking itself, but for the last five years we’ve dragged Rob out of the following places where he’s passed out by 3 p.m.: the local playground, a confession booth, a series of three trash cans he was previously using as a drum set, a raccoon nest, and my wife’s minivan. The man clearly has a problem.”
Jane McPherson has been fairly accepting of her husband’s tendency to let loose at Oktoberfest. “Rob deserves a break. He’s a good provider and the kids and I know it’s just once a year. That’s why his tolerance is worse than a 90 pound sorority girl.”
Nicknaming the occasion “Daddy’s Yearly Fun Time,” Mrs. McPherson explained in further detail how the family prepares for the festival. “We have everything under control. First, I take his keys, withdraw some bail money, make sure he isn’t wearing anything too nice, and then I activate the GPS chip I put in his neck two years ago so I know where he is.”
The McPherson children also understand that their dad needs some time to throw off the crushing weight of existence. Mrs. McPherson continued, “The kids had some questions early on, like ‘why does that brown juice make Daddy cry and then pee his pants?,’ ‘Is he screaming at that old lady because he knows her?,’ ‘how come Daddy can’t hold his booze like Uncle Charlie?’ and ‘why do we have green eyes if Mommy’s and Daddy’s are both blue?’ You know, stuff like that.”
All told, the McPherson family is very supportive of each other and the one time a year that their dad can really relive the glory days of getting a DUI in a golf cart while shirtless. As the family braces for their dad’s most fun weekend of the year, Mrs. McPherson is looking forward to her own opportunity to get blitzed in public during “Mommy’s Yearly Fun Time” during their annual Christmas Light Trolley Tour.
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