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Dominion Defends Controversial Decision to Bulldoze Entire Appalachian Mountain Range

RICHMOND, Va. — Claiming the decision was made with the best intentions, Dominion Energy is standing by their controversial commitment to completely destroy the Appalachian Mountain range.

According to Dominion spokesperson Richard Deanders, the demolition of the entire mountain range, which includes famed national parks such as the Great Smoky Mountains, the Shenandoah Valley, and the Cumberland Gap, is necessary for the construction of their 600-mile Atlantic Coast Pipeline. While some of the pipeline’s construction will remain east of the soon-to-be-leveled mountain range, Dominion claims that enough of the pipeline’s route interfered with the Appalachians to warrant mass geological destruction.

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“We understand the Appalachians mean a lot to some people, but it is a necessary move,” Deanders stated, maintaining that the pipeline’s timely completion is conditional on the complete destruction of the nearly 2,000-mile-long range through the use of high explosives, heavy equipment, and firebombing.

“It is too dangerous to build into the mountains and too costly to go around them altogether. Plus, we purchased so much TNT that we got a bulk order discount,” Deanders added.

In addition to the scenic beauty that will be destroyed, much of the public outrage has focused on what may happen to the wildlife and their habitats that will ultimately be lost in the chaos.

“We don’t like murdering Mother Nature any more than the next guy,” Deanders continued. “However, we realize that an active pipeline may threaten an area’s ecosystem and fauna. So it was either take all of the animals out with one swift move or risk slowly and painfully destroying them and their habitats with a potential oil spill. We’re doing what’s best for nature here.”

Dominion further justified their decision by emphasizing the amount of jobs created for the demolition. “We need contractors, explosives experts, and people certified to operate bulldozers and other various heavy equipment,” Deanders stated, adding that Dominion was also offering internships for college students who wish to volunteer for the event.

“We’re giving students the chance to learn about the beautiful elements of nature and geology and how to destroy it. That’s a valuable education that can’t be taught in the classroom.”

Despite the forthcoming aftermath of the demolition, Dominion says that many of the outdoor activities of the Appalachians will still be available.

“We’ve partnered with the National Park Service and various state parks to ensure that families can still go camping in a surreal, barren landscape. We’ll also work to clean up any deer carcases that may remain after the bombs have gone off.”

Deanders emphasized that the entire length of the Appalachian Trail will still be accessible for hikers. “People can still hike the A.T., there just won’t be any hills. Hikers will also have to be on the lookout for our support pipes sticking out of the ground.”

The demolition is scheduled to begin later this year. To celebrate the launch of the project, Dominion plans to blow up Mount Mitchell, the range’s highest peak, in a special ceremony involving 50 tons of explosives and fireworks. Tickets will be sold for the event, the proceeds of which, according to Dominion, will help to pay for the transformation of Luray Caverns into coal ash storage.

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