Time Traveler Sent From 2019 Warns City of Craft Beer Apocalypse
RICHMOND, Va. — Emerging from a swirling tear in space, a naked time traveler has reportedly journeyed from the distant future of 2019 to warn the people of Richmond about the impending craft beer doomsday.
After procuring a leather trench coat from a patron at nearby Scott’s Addition arcade bar, The Circuit, the time traveler known only as Steve proceeded to accost anyone within earshot to deliver his dire warning.
“You must listen,” the half-naked man urged several slightly buzzed onlookers. “There’s still time to make things right, if you just quit drinking this overpriced swill.”
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According to eyewitnesses, Steve described a dystopian future where every weekend you would try to visit a few breweries with friends. But for every brewery you visited, two more would pop up that you just absolutely had to try.
“Beware the craft brewery trap,” he yelled. “In the future, everyone has quit their boring office jobs to start a brewery or just work at Hardywood. Even your grandmother brews American pale ales in her closet. It’s too much. There’s nothing left to do but brew and drink and brew some more.”
Richmond police were soon called to the scene, where Steve reportedly told them to “get your hands off of me, you damn dirty hipsters.” Steve has already been released on bail and plans to spend his days on a soap box in front of Cabell Library.
At press time, Steve could be heard ranting to a VCU new student orientation group, “No, no, it’s all happening again. I have to change it. I have to make you listen. You’ll blow it all up. Damn you! Damn you all to hell!”
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