Shuffleboard Bar Gives 96-Year-Old Man Something to Live For

RICHMOND, Va. — Richmond’s first-ever shuffleboard venue, Tang & Biscuit, has already attracted a diverse group of customers of all ages. One such customer, 96-year-old Frank Hollister, has reportedly found a whole new lease on life in his twilight years by absolutely dominating the competition at shuffleboard.

“I’m in it to win it, bitches,” Hollister said during an exclusive interview with The Peedmont. “I’ve been playing shuffleboard since before these kids’ parents were old enough to dodge the draft.”

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Regular visitors to Tang & Biscuit have become accustomed to Hollister’s frequent outbursts and his tendency to mercilessly trash-talk fellow patrons, which usually precedes a brutal routing on the shuffleboard court. The endless insults and ribbing have led several customers to lodge complaints with management over Hollister’s more outlandish comments.

Richmond resident Marcus Jackson was confronted by Hollister near the bathrooms during his first visit to Tang & Biscuit. “I just came for a casual game of cornhole. But then I was challenged to shuffleboard by this man who I can only describe as Gollum with glasses. He refused to leave me alone until I played him, and then just heckled me when I lost. I’m pretty sure he tried hitting on my girlfriend, too.”

Hollister remained nonplussed when confronted with the accusation.

“If these bearded hippies want to play with the big boys, they should toughen up,” Hollister responded. “I have more grit in my bellybutton than one of these pansy-asses has in their whole body. That’s what’s wrong with this generation, no backbone.”

Despite his concerned customers, general manager Bryan Kirkpatrick says he has no plans to remove Hollister.

“Frank’s actually a big draw,” Kirkpatrick said. “People come from all around now just to get roasted by him. And, regardless, I’m not going to be the guy who drags someone’s great-grandfather outside just because he’s not being politically correct.”

Following the interview, Hollister returned to the court to dress down a young man who appeared to be carefully thinking through his next move.

“I’m practically a walking corpse and I’m still about to kick your cocktail-in-a-repurposed-light bulb-drinking ass,” Hollister chided. “Come on, move it or lose it. I don’t know how much time I’ve got left, sonny.”

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