RICHMOND, Va. — To the shock of exactly none of his friends, Todd Lawrence insisted for the twelfth year in a row that Virginia Tech is sure to win a national football championship.
Lawrence made his bold proclamation after slamming back his ninth Miller High Life at the Pour House just minutes into the first quarter of play against noted football powerhouse William & Mary.
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“This is our year,” Lawrence shouted to his friends seated at the bar. “Fuente has finally found his rhythm as a coach and we have the best receivers in the ACC. Even though we started off the season losing to ODU in one of the biggest upsets of the year, I’m telling you boys, we are championship bound. I’m already booking hotel rooms.”
Lawrence, a long-time Virginia Tech fan and Radford University alumnus, has insisted for over a decade that the team is destined for a national championship, only to have his hopes dashed each year as the Hokies invariably shit the bed somewhere around Yom Kippur.
The Hokies will have a bye in week eight before they face off against a series of basketball schools, with the opportunity to brag about beating the University of Virginia after Thanksgiving.
Despite not ranking in the top five of AP polling since 2011, Lawrence remains steadfast in his belief that the championship trophy will come to Blacksburg.
“It’s going to be so amazing to be there and watch it come home to Lane Stadium. Hokie Hokie Hokie Hy, losers,” Lawrence slurred, throwing his hands out and accidentally punching a waitress.
Following the incident, Lawrence was forcibly removed from the Pour House and charged with disorderly conduct and assault. In a jailhouse interview, Lawrence later stated he hoped to be out in time time to watch his Hokies win the Camping World Bowl.
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