Loser High Schooler Still a Virgin After Fifth Hayride

BEAVERDAM, Va. — Despite having gone on five hayrides at Ashland Berry Farm this fall, Goochland teenager Will Abbot is still a virgin, sources confirmed Sunday.  

Mary Smith, the PR Manager for Ashland Berry Farm, broke the news today after Abbot’s date drove off with her pumpkin carved but left his cherry unpopped.

“Mr. Abbot has successfully gone on five pumpkin-picking hayrides this year,” Smith said. “However, since he has very little charisma and is completely unable to talk about anything other than memes, he has yet to engage in sexual intercourse afterwards.”

RELATED (article continued below):

• Health Concerns Emerge as Teens Use Chesterfield Factory Smog to Get High
• Area Man Has Gone On Tinder Date With Everyone Currently At Lamplighter
• Ghosts Of Ashland Berry Farm Complain About Noise From Haunted Attraction

Although he admits he isn’t the coolest cat in the room, Abbot is perplexed by his lack of success. “I’ve gotten plenty of pumpkins from all of this,” Abbot said, “but no pussy. I’ll settle for anything at this point. Even the couple who met on Christian Mingle were getting some.”

When asked about what he wants out of a relationship, Abbot responded by saying “I am looking for da queen,” in the voice of Ugandan Knuckles. Pressed for a more honest answer, Abbot admitted, “I just want someone to dab and occasionally fool around with. Is that too much to ask?”   

Despite his obvious cringeworthiness, Mary Smith hasn’t given up on Abbot. “Since 1978, Ashland Berry has been a popular spot for pumpkin picking and autumnal photos for one’s Instagram, which primes couples for lots of lovemaking. That is why we’ve offered Mr. Abbot a complementary sixth hayride. Let’s all pray that he doesn’t bring up Thanos Car this time around.”

Keep your internet rabbit hole going at our online store. You can thank us later.