“Surely there’s no way I can screw this up,” Kaine Says for the Second Time in Two Years

RICHMOND, Va. — With Senatorial candidate Tim Kaine leading in key counties throughout the Commonwealth against his opponent Corey Stewart, Kaine is understandably confident that there is no possible way he can mess up the upcoming election.

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“It’s fantastic,” Kaine explained in a recent interview. “I’m leading in all the polls, everyone on my campaign is incredibly confident, I’ve raised more money, and my opponent has been successfully painted as a knuckle-dragging, backwards racist with bad hair. I can’t think of a better scenario to guarantee victory. Surely there’s no way I can screw this up.”

“Plus, the voter turnout for midterms is always massive, especially from the younger folks,” he added, with optimism that is in no way misplaced whatsoever.

Kaine’s staffers are equally confident. One staffer, Meredith Franklin was beaming with pride as victory has all been assured. “I’m a student of history and no candidate like Tim has ever lost with everything working in his favor and with such a complete moron as an opponent. There is literally no way he can fail, and there is absolutely no historical precedent for it either.”

Kaine was later asked whether he ever felt this confident. “You know, that’s a great question. I think I’d have to go back to 2016. I was up four strokes against Bill Clinton while we were playing golf sometime in late October of that year. There was literally no way I could screw that up, and guess what? I won. It was a great feeling and maybe my best performance of that year.”

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