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News Peed

Prominent Catholic Politician Awkwardly Talks Way Through Abortion Support

RICHMOND, Va. — Senatorial incumbent and Roman Catholic Tim Kaine hopes to ride a wave of progressive support to victory this November by stressing his support of abortion rights during rallies leading up to Election Day. Though abortion is obviously a very contentious topic, Kaine has highlighted this issue and his faith, in an attempt to gain a wider swath of voter support.

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At a recent rally, Kaine, in a rather awkward display that made everyone shift in their seats uncomfortably, attempted to reconcile his Roman Catholicism and his support for abortion. “Look, I’m Catholic and if there’s anything Catholicism stands for, it’s very flexible, secular conceptions of sexual morality,” Kaine explained, before coming to an abrupt pause. “Er, wait … hold on, I had an index card for this.”

Unable to find said index card, he continued, “Listen, I’m just trying to say, that … just a second … though I’m personally against abortion … no, that’s not what I mean … I’m totally in favor of it? In fact, I wish I was a woman so I could get … No, that’s definitely not it either. Bottom line, love is love … or something?”

The very upsetting display devolved further when Kaine attempted to highlight how similar he was to other very prominent Catholic lawmakers.

“Forget everything I said. I am a proud Catholic and proud Democrat, OK? All of my personal heroes who inspired me to serve as a politician were great, Catholic examples of virtue, but also understood how important it was to respect women. I mean look at JFK, a great, virtuous, faithful husband and noted feminist, right? Ted Kennedy as well, the great Liberal Lion whose career was marked by advocating for women’s rights.”

Staffers for Kaine’s campaign, upon the mention of Ted Kennedy, struggled to get Kaine to change topics, resulting in Kaine asking over a hot mic, “What’s Chappaquiddick? Seriously, she didn’t die though, did she? She did? No way.”

Kaine has continued to struggle to paint himself as a traditional church-goer but also a very sincere and vocal feminist. This, unfortunately for Kaine, led to a very bizarre scheduling mixup which resulted in him trying to hold a Planned Parenthood rally on the steps of a Catholic Church in suburban Richmond.

At his latest event, Kaine attempted to downplay the conflict between his faith and his abortion support. “Alright people, I think I got a handle on this, if something doesn’t affect you personally, then you shouldn’t have an opinion on it, OK? Is that good enough?” When a supporter from the audience asked, “Wait, so that means I can stop donating money to Syrian refugees?” an exasperated Kaine threw down his mic and walked off the stage.

A few minutes of screaming into a pillow later, Kaine displayed his honesty and said, “Guys, I’ll level with you, I really need this. Catholic, Jewish, Druid, whatever … I’ll pick any god that won’t let me lose again.”

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